“Love does not obey our
expectations; it obeys our intentions.”
Recently,
I did something radical; I entered into a relationship with the intention of
extending love. I consciously set the goal of peace.
It’s
with the intention to experience more peace than ever before that the
relationship began, and it’s with that same intention that we decided to end
the relationship. In between it all, I felt deeply connected, heard, and loved.
What
did I do differently this time that allowed me to experience a new level of
peace and love? What about this relationship created the space for us to
peacefully “break up”?
Unlike
other relationships I had that seemed to pull me deeper into fear, this
relationship accomplished the complete opposite—helped to release me from it.
Whatever
I did differently with this one, I wanted to bottle it up! As I took some time
to reflect, I realized that what I did differently comes in the form of three
simple miracle-minded questions that I asked myself before I even entered the
relationship.
The
three questions below helped me step away from fearful relationships based on
getting and filling my perceived voids and instead, helped me step into a
loved-based relationship built on extending the love and completeness I found
within myself first.
And
what a difference this shift made in my experience!
The
next time you find yourself getting ready to join with someone in a
relationship (or even a friendship) ask yourself these questions first:
1. What is this relationship for?
In
the past, I would just jump into relationships without any real intention set
at the beginning. I wanted the attention and for someone to prove I was
lovable. I wanted to get more than I wanted to extend. I was motivated by ego
fears and desire to fill my perceived voids.
The
way we move beyond these ego fears is by stopping and asking ourselves, “What is this relationship for?”
Without
a clear goal set at the beginning, it’s easy to get lost and stuck in a fearful
place. So with my last relationship, we decided that our goal would be peace,
and that we wanted to help each other remember the truth about ourselves
instead of getting lost in the illusions about ourselves. What is this relationship for? To
extend peace.
And
this makes all the difference. When you do find yourself in a disagreement, you
can remember that your goal is peace and then act accordingly.
The
value of setting a goal in advance is that it will pull you through the tough
times. Without the goal, it’s easy to get caught up in the ego’s drive to be
right or justified. Having a common goal in mind allows you to move forward
together instead of working against each other. In my last relationship I found
that a shared goal connected us and gave us something to focus on.
2. What limiting beliefs are blocking me
from authentically connecting?
A
lot of times when we don’t experience something we say we want, it’s because we
have some underlying fear associated with getting it.
For
example, if you say you want to experience a deeply loving relationship and it
hasn’t shown up yet, it might be because deep down you’re scared of it. I know
for me, I said I wanted to have a loving relationship, but when I got honest
with myself, I realized I was actually scared of falling in love.
Somewhere
along the line I decided that being in love would make me weak and vulnerable.
When I went even deeper, I noticed that I had the belief that I wasn’t good
enough yet to be loved. I didn’t think I was skinny enough, successful enough,
or funny enough, and deep down I was scared that other people might find that
out, too.
So
what do you do when you realize you’re scared of what you want? What do you do
with the belief that you’re not good enough? You simply become willing to move
beyond the fears. Often times the awareness of our fearful patterns is enough
for them to be released.
Sometimes
I will even say to myself “I hear you fear, but I’m not going to let you
determine my actions right now.” Instant personal power.
This
opens the way for you to step beyond the limiting beliefs you carry about
yourself. The truth is, you’re good enough right now in this very moment. There
is nothing to prove. Become curious about your beliefs and behaviors. Invite
them in, question them, and watch as they melt away.
3. Am I focusing on the content or the
frame?
Fear-based
relationships often start with a strong attraction to a body. I don’t know
about you, but I’ve definitely been sucked into relationships because the frame
was lookin’ good. I paid no attention to the content, aka the mind.
But
at the end of the day, it’s important to remember that you’re always getting in
a relationship with a mind. If the content is not engaging and exciting, circle
back to the first question: What is
this for?
When
we put all our focus on the content and not the frame, we simultaneously
release our expectations and allow ourselves to experience peace and love in
ways that we might not have thought possible. The frame will shift and change,
but lasting fulfilling connection starts and ends with the content, not the
labels and clothes we place around it.
Ultimately,
within others you can either lose yourself or remember yourself, because from a
spiritual perspective, everyone is a reflection of you. And with that idea,
relationships become a miraculous teaching device.
You
decide if you want fear or love based on the intention you set at the
beginning. I’ve both lost myself and remembered myself in relationships, but I
prefer the latter.
The
three questions above are how you open the doorway for a love-based
relationship to enter your life.
By
setting the goal of peace, becoming willing to move past our beliefs of not
being good enough, and focusing on the content, not the frame, we can
experience a deep connection and trust, which is perhaps one of the most
miraculous things you can share with another human being.
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